Here are some things to keep in mind when you want to ask your partner to go to marriage counseling:
Ask your partner in a calm moment: It’s best to ask your partner when you both are in a moment of calm or quiet, as your partner will be more receptive. It won’t work if you are in the middle of an argument. If one partner is angry, he/she won’t take well to suggestions, and it is possible that you won’t get your partner to agree to therapy.
Talk from an “I” position: When you want or need something, the best thing to say is “I.” Here’s an example: “I want us to be like we were when we were first married, and I know we aren’t at that place right now. I’m upset about it, and I would like us to work on it. Would you be willing to go to couples therapy with me so that we can work on what we have? It makes me sad that we aren’t the way we were.”
Here is where the two bullet points meet: when mad or in an argument, people tend to say accusatory things. They start saying things like “you need to change” or “you are the problem” to their partner. Accusing your partner isn’t going to help your relationship. Your partner will end up getting defensive, and he/she won’t want to listen or take into account what you are saying.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need: Be open and vulnerable and state what you need. It’s not something that’s always easy to do, but if you want your partner to hear you, it’s what needs to be done.
If your partner isn’t open to therapy, that’s okay. Working on yourself, whether it be talking through issues with your therapist or acting out the suggestions that your therapist offers, will in turn help your relationship.
Here’s an example of how to respond to your partner if he/she isn’t on board: “You are more than welcome to join me in therapy at any time. For now, I’m going to go and do some work on myself because I feel that I need to figure some things out. I think talking to someone outside of our relationship will help me and our relationship.”
It is possible that your partner will see that you are doing some good work on yourself, and that will make them want to come in with you.
If you have any questions about today’s blog post, don’t hesitate to contact Reka by phone at 402-881-8125, by email at reka@omaha-counseling.com, or via Twitter or Facebook.
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