Blog #29
“The moment kindness and striving for understanding cease is the point which separation, assumption, and exclusion become the outcome.” – Amy Larson
Within the walls of my office and other counseling spaces across the globe, people share their deepest hurts, their untold stories, and their unspeakable desires. Some of them, mostly women (in my experience), express being in unhappy relationships and wanting to leave their spouse or partner, but for financial and/or emotional reasons, haven’t, even for a brief separation. These women begin to feel trapped, isolated, and hopeless – especially when they don’t have the financial security to move out and move on.
Within the walls of my office and other counseling spaces across the globe, people share their deepest hurts, their untold stories, and their unspeakable desires. Some of them, mostly women (in my experience), express being in unhappy relationships and wanting to leave their spouse or partner, but for financial and/or emotional reasons, haven’t, even for a brief separation. These women begin to feel trapped, isolated, and hopeless – especially when they don’t have the financial security to move out and move on.
So, what usually ends up happening? They continue going through the motions for weeks, months, or years, opting for the familiarity of a lifeless relationship rather than risking leaving for something unknown, yet potentially better. It’s like the adage “The poison you know is better than the poison you don’t know.” In other words, although we know something may be harmful to us, our minds (or other people) try to convince us that it’s safer than trying something different. Speaking to this point, in a 2014 study in the UK, nearly one in five people said they stayed in a romance longer than they wanted because they couldn’t afford to break it off. A combination of mortgages, joint debt, rent, living expenses, and costs associated with having children can make things infinitely more complicated when splitting up.
When working with clients struggling with this issue, my duty is to reflect and inquire – not to persuade or influence them one way or another. We collaboratively explore their feelings, review the circumstances, and weigh out the pros and cons of each option, eventually leading the client to make their own decision. Of course, if you find yourself in this dilemma, I highly recommend speaking with a counselor or trusted friend to help formulate the best possible plan going forward, whatever your decision.
As a therapist, it’s worth mentioning that I’ve noticed contrasts in the struggles and conclusions between younger female clients (roughly 25-40 years old) and older female clients (roughly 40-70 years old) who want a separation or out of a relationship entirely. Women in the former group may rely more on their partners financially, so leaving them to rent an apartment, for example, is beyond their means – not to mention the emotional turmoil of breaking up the family. When this happens, these women often end up back at square one: perpetual indecision due to their concern that the change will be too upsetting for everyone involved. Women in the latter group tend to face challenges that deal with having things tied up with their partners, such as property, vehicles, investments, etc., leaving them to essentially start from scratch. Although it may be difficult to begin anew, it can also be exciting and liberating, as they may get to do things their way, for example. Despite the notion that older women may be more financially stable than their younger counterparts, they may also find themselves stuck in a rut.
If you find yourself relating to these scenarios, ask yourself this question: What do I want?
Regardless of the choice you make, the first step in developing a plan is to address how you feel. For example, if you feel hopeless, helpless, or weak, chances are you won’t have much energy, confidence, or motivation to make a proactive move. Start doing things that bring you happiness, build your confidence, and give you energy, such as yoga, walking the dog, gardening, arts and crafts, or playing music – anything that brings a positive flow into your life. This is the impetus for change.
For inquiring minds, here’s a list of a few things women can
do to begin gaining financial freedom and independence:
- Go back to school
- Learn a craft or trade
- Take online surveys
- Start couponing
- Look for higher-paying jobs (and apply to them!)
- Sell your clothes/household items online
- Become a delivery driver/rider
- Recycle your old cell phones
- Offer freelance work
- Sell your old textbooks, CDs, DVDs, games, movies, etc.
- Buy and sell domain names
- Become a mystery shopper
TAKE-AWAY: We only have one life to live. It’s up to us to choose how we spend our days on this planet. Do we settle for the status quo because we’re hesitant to leave an unhappy relationship? Do we shelf the idea of separation because we believe things will work themselves out? Do we try looking at it through a different lens in hopes of shifting our mindset? Do we become proactive, create a plan, and take that first step? As humans, our choices vary greatly and whatever feels acceptable to us is what’s “right”. In the end, it’s about loving ourselves, listening to our hearts, and making sound decisions with our minds.