Relationships aren’t easy. At one point or another, every couple fights or comes to a problem that they can’t seem to solve. Often when issues arise in a relationship, one (or both) of the partners talk to friends or family members to get advice. Sometimes, the advice is spot on, but many times, it falls short.
Laurel House, relationship expert and author of Screwing the Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love says that “talking to the wrong people at the wrong time—and taking their insight as fact instead of opinion—can not only steer you wrong, but completely derail your marriage.”
Here are a few pieces of advice that typically don’t resolve problems; in fact, they often make the problem worse:
“Just stay together until the kids are out of the house.”Licensed psychotherapist Tara Fields, Ph.D. says that if you and your spouse don’t want your children to have to deal with divorced parents, it’s crucial that you go to couples therapy and make an actual effort to repair the relationship. “That way,” Fields says, “you’ll either figure out a healthy way to resolve your issues, or you’ll know for sure that you can’t make it work. If that happens, that same therapist can also teach you how to uncouple.”
Fields goes on to say that it isn’t the fact that parents don’t live under the same roof that scars children; it’s growing up with parents that don’t know how to resolve conflict, are distant, or use the children as a personal therapist.
“Never go to bed angry.” If you are fighting at night, it’s okay to take a timeout to go to bed. At night, you’re tired. Winifred M. Reilly, marriage and family therapist, says that it’s a good idea to put your conflict on hold and get some sleep.
“Your feelings on the issue are likely to have lightened up overnight,” Reilly says. “If not, by morning, you’ll be clear-headed enough to address your differences effectively.”
“Problems tend to work themselves out.” Sometimes, problems do work themselves out. Other times, it takes both partners consciously working on a solution to get a problem solved. Jackie Pilossoph, relationship columnist, says, “While there are countless things in life we can’t control, […] no one should forget that we have so much control over our happiness and how we choose to live our lives.”
By choosing to let a problem work out on its own, you are choosing to let chance control your life. Instead, take control and work the problem out.
If you and your partner continue to stumble over some of the same issues without a healthy solution, it might be time to set up an appointment with a therapist. They will be able to offer you some helpful advice on how to strengthen your relationship.
If you’d like to set up a time to meet up with Reka, you can contact her by phone at 402-881-8125, by email at reka@omaha-counseling.com, or via Twitter or Facebook.
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