Each of us experience shame; it’s part of being human. How we let that shame affect us in our day-to-day living depends on each person.
Shame is a fear-based emotion, and it can be painful and debilitating for those who aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Shame can stem from just about anything: looking different, reacting in a different way than the others around you, feeling awkward or under/overdressed. It can stem from a sexual encounter or fantasy, feeling like a failure or that you just aren’t good enough, and/or thinking you handled a situation wrongly.
Without good coping skills, it’s easy for a person to feel like a failure if they don’t meet their own or others’ expectations. In fact, shame can even prevent someone from being their true self. Shame can camouflage one’s true self and lead a person to manufacture a false version of their self. This ideal but false self provides an imagined sense of acceptance, but it also alienates the real self. People may pick professions, partners, and lifestyles to garner others’ approval.
So, how can we overcome shame?
Challenge shame-based thoughts: Instead of viewing your thoughts as absolute truths, see them as mental events to observe and evaluate. Try to challenge shame-based thoughts by replacing them with more accurate thoughts.
Make a list of your shame triggers: This step is to help you become aware of what people or situations have made you feel shame. Common categories include: appearance, relationships, abuse, struggle with addiction, social situations, and/or your job performance.
Set limits on how much time you spend around people or situations that trigger your shame. Plan in advance how you will respond if someone says or does something that triggers shame. For example, you will excuse yourself and go for a short walk to calm down. Something as simple as having a plan to take a walk can keep you from dealing with a negative response that will later make you feel even worse.
Embrace the concept of self-love: This can obviously be a difficult step. Remember, you are a work in progress. You can’t always respond to a situation in the perfect way. In order to keep moving forward, you need to be able to find compassion and forgiveness in yourself. Forgiveness can’t be forced, but if we can find the courage to open up to ourselves, forgiveness will slowly emerge.
See a therapist: Shame has very little usefulness; it often just serves to shut down, isolate, and close ourselves off from others and our own healing. A therapist can help you work through your triggers, understand what tends to set you off, and then work through it.
To schedule an appointment with Reka, you can contact her by phone at 402-881-8125, by email at reka@omaha-counseling.com, or via Twitter or Facebook.
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photo credit: Conscience via photopin (license)
