The Internet has been buzzing this past week with stories pertaining to a spreadsheet that showed up on Reddit (a social networking site) and detailed a couple’s sex life, or lack thereof. On this spreadsheet, the husband (neither member of couple has been named) kept track of the dates he initiated sex with his wife, whether or not they had sex, and the excuse she gave for not wanting to be intimate.
He sent the spreadsheet to her when she was on her way out of town for business.
Of course, the Internet reacted with thousands of comments. As immature and disrespectful as the husband might have been, this spreadsheet has brought up some important questions for couples struggling with intimacy issues.
How should a partner voice his/her concerns with intimacy issues? Is there a correct way to bring it up?
Here are a few things to keep in mind before bringing up your intimacy issues with your partner:
Don’t expect the worst: Just because your partner doesn’t want to have sex as much anymore does not necessarily mean that he/she is having an affair or that your partner no longer loves you or finds you attractive. If you accuse your partner of something he/she didn’t do, your partner will become defensive, and nothing will get solved.
Communicate: This spreadsheet couple obviously doesn’t communicate with each other in a positive way. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing to keep track of certain aspects of a relationship, but the goal should be to use the data you collect in a positive way. Notice patterns: maybe your partner is more likely to desire sex in the morning or maybe the weekends work better than weekdays. Communicate your ideas with your partner, and make sure you are both on the same page.
Get back to the basics: Ian Kerner, sex and relationship therapist, states that “in order to have a satisfying sex life, you need to have a satisfying relationship.” Surprise your partner. Spend more time together daily. Ask your partner how their day was. These might seem like little things, but it’s possible that you and your partner are struggling to connect both in and out of the bedroom. If you can get closer as a couple outside of the bedroom, chances are you will see changes inside the bedroom.
Understand that there might be deeper issues: Has your partner gained or lost weight? Is he/she struggling with a fear of abandonment? Is stress taking over your partner’s life at work? It’s possible that something deeper is bothering your partner, and he/she has lost the desire to be intimate because of it. If necessary, seek outside help. There are different factors that could throw off your partner, and it might be helpful to have a therapist there to help sort out any underlying issues.
If you and your partner are struggling with intimacy and would like some help, don’t hesitate to contact Reka by phone at 402-881-8125 or by email at reka@omaha-counseling.com. Don’t forget to follow Omaha Counseling on Twitter or Facebook.
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photo credit: marcp_dmoz via photopin cc
